Famous Holes

Joyce would like me to write about Sanjaya. But first, how about Tony Bennett? Kind of cool, huh? Kind of a hep cat! With that whole Werther's candy sweet grandpa thing going on? And his wide tie and canary yellow jacket? Speaking as someone who hadn't seen him on TV since the '80s, in the four-cassettes-of-Tony-Bennett's-greatest-hits! commercials that aired during General Hospital breaks, I was pleasantly surprised by his charm and good sense.

But this entry, alas, is not about Tony Bennett. Oh, no.

Tony Bennett is "a big fan" of Sanjaya's. He "comes in with something new each week." He "dares to be different." And indeed, if one had seen only Sanjaya's one-and-a-half-minute performance of "Cheek to Cheek," and nothing else from the AI season, one might well have thought: Hey. What a sweet dork! Look at that awkward side-shuffle! Sure, he's not hitting every single note, but that painful little dance with Paula is sort of sweet, sort of Best-in-Show in its way. Gosh, how does this kid have time to captain the chess team, study for the National Geography Bee, AND sing on American Idol? Amazing!

And then, getting up to hit the kitchen for more Chee-tohs or Pizza Pockets, one might have heard a judge--what's his name, the British one, with the tight little shirts and brillopad haircut?--say, "Let's try a different tactic this week: Incredible!" And one might have heard a bitchy little teenage divo scream back, "THANK YOU!!! Welcome to the universe of SANJAYA!!!!"

Take the chicken, Sanjaya. Take it and run.

Run away, Sanjaya...run away and never return.

(And please, KFC, give Sanjaya the lifetime supply of Famous Bowls whether he sculpts his locks into a bowl-do or not. After all, he's given us so much.)

(Also: A lifetime supply of Famous Bowls is a de facto death sentence, no? Ooh--quelle paradox!)

--AMBER