Joyce***: "Those Awful Legs Are Finally Gone!"
Joyce***: there
Amber***: thanks
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Haley: Like a Comet
As Kermit the Frog observes in A Muppet Christmas Carol, “Life is made up of meetings and partings. That is the way of it.” Below, some reflections on a recent AI parting.
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Paging Dr. Kubler-Ross
Sanjaya's performances are a bit like death: You need a lot of time and distance before you can reflect on and write about them coherently.
I still don't know that my belief in a common rationality has completed all five stages of grief, but I do want to make Joyce happy. So.
The scene: An imaginary disco ball twirls somewhere over an electric blue stage.
The singer: A young man with wild dark ringlets and a soupcon of carefully groomed facial hair, wearing a grey sport jacket over... a shiny gold undershirt? Anyhow. He's perched on a stool. "Besame," he sings, gazing deeply and dirtily into the camera, his eyes fringed with a sociopathic gleam. "Besame mucho."
For once in my life, I was glad not to know any Spanish (though I later looked up the lyrics and was appropriately sickened). Simon called Sanjaya's pitiless exercise in audience discomfiture "not horrible." But Sanjaya wasn't looking at Simon. He was looking at us. And I think we, the viewing audience, know exactly how horrible it was.
One highlight: Jennifer Lopez, in far more clothing than I have ever seen her wear in a professional context, doling out surprisingly perspicacious advice to our happy few. (BTW, you may still be Jenny from the block, but do you also still like pink frosted lipstick? I think the answer is yes!) "Totally down to earth and just the coolest person ever," Jordin blubbered. Well. As much as I hesitate to employ this device again: Yes and no, Jordin. Yes and no.
But J. Lo did nail Blake, telling him that we'd all rather sit inside our toilet bowls with tin buckets over our heads and a carrot stuck up each nostril than listen to one more of his zombie-ass, empty-minded covers (maybe I'm paraphrasing). Blake, alas, had no heart to which to take Jennifer's advice, and resembled nothing so much as a mildly disgruntled Fisher Price doll as he Ambien'd his way through some execrable Top-40 Marc Anthony concoction. A Fisher Price doll wearing...a fly-fishing hat? I couldn't really tell. Afterward, Paula (once again more or less writhing in perimenopausal heat) gushed, "It just captured who you are and the essence of who you are."
Exactly.
I still don't know that my belief in a common rationality has completed all five stages of grief, but I do want to make Joyce happy. So.
The scene: An imaginary disco ball twirls somewhere over an electric blue stage.
The singer: A young man with wild dark ringlets and a soupcon of carefully groomed facial hair, wearing a grey sport jacket over... a shiny gold undershirt? Anyhow. He's perched on a stool. "Besame," he sings, gazing deeply and dirtily into the camera, his eyes fringed with a sociopathic gleam. "Besame mucho."
For once in my life, I was glad not to know any Spanish (though I later looked up the lyrics and was appropriately sickened). Simon called Sanjaya's pitiless exercise in audience discomfiture "not horrible." But Sanjaya wasn't looking at Simon. He was looking at us. And I think we, the viewing audience, know exactly how horrible it was.
One highlight: Jennifer Lopez, in far more clothing than I have ever seen her wear in a professional context, doling out surprisingly perspicacious advice to our happy few. (BTW, you may still be Jenny from the block, but do you also still like pink frosted lipstick? I think the answer is yes!) "Totally down to earth and just the coolest person ever," Jordin blubbered. Well. As much as I hesitate to employ this device again: Yes and no, Jordin. Yes and no.
But J. Lo did nail Blake, telling him that we'd all rather sit inside our toilet bowls with tin buckets over our heads and a carrot stuck up each nostril than listen to one more of his zombie-ass, empty-minded covers (maybe I'm paraphrasing). Blake, alas, had no heart to which to take Jennifer's advice, and resembled nothing so much as a mildly disgruntled Fisher Price doll as he Ambien'd his way through some execrable Top-40 Marc Anthony concoction. A Fisher Price doll wearing...a fly-fishing hat? I couldn't really tell. Afterward, Paula (once again more or less writhing in perimenopausal heat) gushed, "It just captured who you are and the essence of who you are."
Exactly.--AMBER
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
We beg your pardon
...we never promised you a rose garden! Or frequent updates. But here, in advance of tonight's festivities, is Joyce's rundown of last week's dog-and-pony show:
I was personally upset last week that Gina got booted off. I personally thought Haley should have gone home. As much as the judges didn’t like Phil’s performance, I thought Phil sang decently. Whereas Haley, ugh, she’s only on the show because of her legs. I wonder how short her skirt will be today…To be frank, I don’t think her legs are all that and a bag of chips! Compared to Gemma Ward, Jessica Alba, or any other model/star, Haley’s legs are more average than anything else. It’s the bronzer I tell you… Bronzer makes her legs look shinier and skinnier…
Anyways…I was pleasantly surprised by Chris Richardson. He’s starting to grow on me. If only he would stop his JT impersonation… actually out of the guys, I like him the most. He’s much better than Phil or Blake (Sanjaya isn’t included in this group because he’s in a league of his own). Hopefully, Chris will get better as the weeks go by and boot Blake off the show. (Fingers crossed) -- JOYCE
I was personally upset last week that Gina got booted off. I personally thought Haley should have gone home. As much as the judges didn’t like Phil’s performance, I thought Phil sang decently. Whereas Haley, ugh, she’s only on the show because of her legs. I wonder how short her skirt will be today…To be frank, I don’t think her legs are all that and a bag of chips! Compared to Gemma Ward, Jessica Alba, or any other model/star, Haley’s legs are more average than anything else. It’s the bronzer I tell you… Bronzer makes her legs look shinier and skinnier…
Anyways…I was pleasantly surprised by Chris Richardson. He’s starting to grow on me. If only he would stop his JT impersonation… actually out of the guys, I like him the most. He’s much better than Phil or Blake (Sanjaya isn’t included in this group because he’s in a league of his own). Hopefully, Chris will get better as the weeks go by and boot Blake off the show. (Fingers crossed) -- JOYCE
Famous Holes
Joyce would like me to write about Sanjaya. But first, how about Tony Bennett? Kind of cool, huh? Kind of a hep cat! With that whole Werther's candy sweet grandpa thing going on? And his wide tie and canary yellow jacket? Speaking as someone who hadn't seen him on TV since the '80s, in the four-cassettes-of-Tony-Bennett's-greatest-hits! commercials that aired during General Hospital breaks, I was pleasantly surprised by his charm and good sense.
But this entry, alas, is not about Tony Bennett. Oh, no.
Tony Bennett is "a big fan" of Sanjaya's. He "comes in with something new each week." He "dares to be different." And indeed, if one had seen only Sanjaya's one-and-a-half-minute performance of "Cheek to Cheek," and nothing else from the AI season, one might well have thought: Hey. What a sweet dork! Look at that awkward side-shuffle! Sure, he's not hitting every single note, but that painful little dance with Paula is sort of sweet, sort of Best-in-Show in its way. Gosh, how does this kid have time to captain the chess team, study for the National Geography Bee, AND sing on American Idol? Amazing!
And then, getting up to hit the kitchen for more Chee-tohs or Pizza Pockets, one might have heard a judge--what's his name, the British one, with the tight little shirts and brillopad haircut?--say, "Let's try a different tactic this week: Incredible!" And one might have heard a bitchy little teenage divo scream back, "THANK YOU!!! Welcome to the universe of SANJAYA!!!!"
Take the chicken, Sanjaya. Take it and run.
Run away, Sanjaya...run away and never return.
(And please, KFC, give Sanjaya the lifetime supply of Famous Bowls whether he sculpts his locks into a bowl-do or not. After all, he's given us so much.)
(Also: A lifetime supply of Famous Bowls is a de facto death sentence, no? Ooh--quelle paradox!)
--AMBER
But this entry, alas, is not about Tony Bennett. Oh, no.
Tony Bennett is "a big fan" of Sanjaya's. He "comes in with something new each week." He "dares to be different." And indeed, if one had seen only Sanjaya's one-and-a-half-minute performance of "Cheek to Cheek," and nothing else from the AI season, one might well have thought: Hey. What a sweet dork! Look at that awkward side-shuffle! Sure, he's not hitting every single note, but that painful little dance with Paula is sort of sweet, sort of Best-in-Show in its way. Gosh, how does this kid have time to captain the chess team, study for the National Geography Bee, AND sing on American Idol? Amazing!
And then, getting up to hit the kitchen for more Chee-tohs or Pizza Pockets, one might have heard a judge--what's his name, the British one, with the tight little shirts and brillopad haircut?--say, "Let's try a different tactic this week: Incredible!" And one might have heard a bitchy little teenage divo scream back, "THANK YOU!!! Welcome to the universe of SANJAYA!!!!"
Take the chicken, Sanjaya. Take it and run.
Run away, Sanjaya...run away and never return.(Also: A lifetime supply of Famous Bowls is a de facto death sentence, no? Ooh--quelle paradox!)
--AMBER
Sunday, April 1, 2007
Contestant #8: LaKisha Jones
She’s the other female contestant with a great voice (not as heartwarming as Melinda, but still a good singer). She wowed the judges by singing “And I am telling you I’m not going” during the first week of top 12 female contestants.
Simon said “I am very tempted to say to 23 people… book their plane tickets home.”
I personally think that even though LaKisha has a great voice, she doesn’t sparkle the way Melinda does. Melinda brings you joy and warmth when she sings, but LaKisha makes me want to hold my breath for some reason.
Anyways, this was still a very good performance… and she looked ravishing.
AWiBH's forecast: LaKisha deserves to be in the top 3 and I don’t see any reason why she won’t… --JOYCE
Simon said “I am very tempted to say to 23 people… book their plane tickets home.”
I personally think that even though LaKisha has a great voice, she doesn’t sparkle the way Melinda does. Melinda brings you joy and warmth when she sings, but LaKisha makes me want to hold my breath for some reason.
Anyways, this was still a very good performance… and she looked ravishing.
AWiBH's forecast: LaKisha deserves to be in the top 3 and I don’t see any reason why she won’t… --JOYCE
Contestant #7: Sanjaya Malakar
Power spoke truth to itself last Tuesday after Sanjaya, betopped with the infamous faux-hawk, squawked out a cover of No Doubt's "Bathwater" on the already powerfully mysterious Gwen Stefani night.
What is it about Sanjaya Malakar that makes even the most hardbitten in the Idol coterie invoke the ethereal, the spiritual, the epistemological? Perhaps, beneath the curly locks, the breathtaking talentlessness, the outsized sense of entitlement, there IS "something in his spirit that is a winning ingredient," as Diana Ross suggested. (It's unclear whether Diana made this observation before or after Sanjaya gushed, "Being able to have Diana Ross mentor you is like having Van Gogh teach you how to paint." Well, yes and no, Sanjaya. Yes and no.) Perhaps it has something to do with the way, asked which talent he'd most like to have "if" he couldn't sing, Sanjaya replied, "Singing."
At any rate, for me, Sanjaya's ghastly performance of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" was one of the true highlights of the season to date. We owe a lot to it at AWiBH, including our name.
Some of the ensuing discussion is, I think, well worth reprinting in its entirety.
During Sanjaya's audition, Simon told him, "You're like a shy little thing who's got a good voice." Homer nods.
AWiBH prognosis: Sanjaya has whetted America's dormant appetite for the absurd and surreal, but it's got to be close to sated by now.... Let's all trust America's legendarily keen sense of justice to kick in soon and send Sanjaya packing. --AMBER
SIMON
I don't think it matters anymore what we say actually. I genuinely don't. I think you are in your own universe and if people like you, good luck.
SANJAYA
Well thank you.
I don't think it matters anymore what we say actually. I genuinely don't. I think you are in your own universe and if people like you, good luck.
SANJAYA
Well thank you.
What is it about Sanjaya Malakar that makes even the most hardbitten in the Idol coterie invoke the ethereal, the spiritual, the epistemological? Perhaps, beneath the curly locks, the breathtaking talentlessness, the outsized sense of entitlement, there IS "something in his spirit that is a winning ingredient," as Diana Ross suggested. (It's unclear whether Diana made this observation before or after Sanjaya gushed, "Being able to have Diana Ross mentor you is like having Van Gogh teach you how to paint." Well, yes and no, Sanjaya. Yes and no.) Perhaps it has something to do with the way, asked which talent he'd most like to have "if" he couldn't sing, Sanjaya replied, "Singing."
At any rate, for me, Sanjaya's ghastly performance of "Ain't No Mountain High Enough" was one of the true highlights of the season to date. We owe a lot to it at AWiBH, including our name.
Some of the ensuing discussion is, I think, well worth reprinting in its entirety.
SIMON
When you hear a whale (Ed. -- yes, "wail," I know, I know) in Beverly Hills, that is where Diana Ross is watching this show--
PAULA
What?
SIMON
She's going to freak when she hears that. The only similarity is the hairstyle. I don't know what else to say, I mean it was...
[Loud boos from audience]
Look, OK, Sanjaya, I'll be positive!
Um.... [long pause]
How old are you?
SANJAYA
Huh?
SIMON
How old are you.
SANJAYA
Seventeen.
SIMON
Right. You're very brave. I'll give you that. You're brave.
RYAN
The courage of Sanjaya Malakar! I think we're dying to know what's going on in your head when you're listening to them give you feedback tonight.
SANJAYA
I...I...I don't even know, I...
PAULA
He doesn't listen to us.
SANJAYA
Well, no, I listen to the positive things, but sometimes... No offense Simon, your first comment, I had no idea what you were talking about...
SIMON
OK. What I was trying to say was, when she listens to this on TV--
RYAN
(too eager)
She'll squeal.
SIMON
...she'll scream.
RYAN
He wasn't talking about the marine biology aspect of...sea life... it was more of..an audible sound from.... OK. Well good luck. Do you feel like you should be here next week?
SANJAYA
Yeah.
RYAN
OK.
When you hear a whale (Ed. -- yes, "wail," I know, I know) in Beverly Hills, that is where Diana Ross is watching this show--
PAULA
What?
SIMON
She's going to freak when she hears that. The only similarity is the hairstyle. I don't know what else to say, I mean it was...
[Loud boos from audience]
Look, OK, Sanjaya, I'll be positive!
Um.... [long pause]
How old are you?
SANJAYA
Huh?
SIMON
How old are you.
SANJAYA
Seventeen.
SIMON
Right. You're very brave. I'll give you that. You're brave.
RYAN
The courage of Sanjaya Malakar! I think we're dying to know what's going on in your head when you're listening to them give you feedback tonight.
SANJAYA
I...I...I don't even know, I...
PAULA
He doesn't listen to us.
SANJAYA
Well, no, I listen to the positive things, but sometimes... No offense Simon, your first comment, I had no idea what you were talking about...
SIMON
OK. What I was trying to say was, when she listens to this on TV--
RYAN
(too eager)
She'll squeal.
SIMON
...she'll scream.
RYAN
He wasn't talking about the marine biology aspect of...sea life... it was more of..an audible sound from.... OK. Well good luck. Do you feel like you should be here next week?
SANJAYA
Yeah.
RYAN
OK.
During Sanjaya's audition, Simon told him, "You're like a shy little thing who's got a good voice." Homer nods.
AWiBH prognosis: Sanjaya has whetted America's dormant appetite for the absurd and surreal, but it's got to be close to sated by now.... Let's all trust America's legendarily keen sense of justice to kick in soon and send Sanjaya packing. --AMBER
Contestant #6: Melinda Doolittle
Melinda sprinted ahead of the pack early with blazingly joyful, virtuosic renditions of "Since You've Been Gone" and "I'm a W-O-M-A-N." Since then, as many have noted, her repertoire has run more to musical theater fare ("Home," "As Long As He Needs Me"). Her performances are perfect--perfectly toasted Wonderbread.
But song choice isn't the biggest question in the minds of many Idol viewers. For Melinda Doolittle fans, the million dollar question is the same one asked of Holly Golightly: Is she or isn't she? Can that modesty be genuine? Can we take that sweetness to the bank?
A significant number of people have apparently decided (on scant evidence) that the answer is no. And we see this backlash as the biggest potential obstacle between Melinda and the title she undeniably deserves. But even should the backlash gain momentum, if Melinda busts out a few more performances like this one, we fully expect the Lord she so frequently invokes to reach down from heaven and set her on the Idol throne with his own two Motown-lovin' hands.
AWiBH's knock on wood: Melinda takes it all! --AMBER
But song choice isn't the biggest question in the minds of many Idol viewers. For Melinda Doolittle fans, the million dollar question is the same one asked of Holly Golightly: Is she or isn't she? Can that modesty be genuine? Can we take that sweetness to the bank?
A significant number of people have apparently decided (on scant evidence) that the answer is no. And we see this backlash as the biggest potential obstacle between Melinda and the title she undeniably deserves. But even should the backlash gain momentum, if Melinda busts out a few more performances like this one, we fully expect the Lord she so frequently invokes to reach down from heaven and set her on the Idol throne with his own two Motown-lovin' hands.
AWiBH's knock on wood: Melinda takes it all! --AMBER
Contestant #5: Chris Richardson (JT wannabe)
I don't think anyone really pays attention to Chris. He's pretty boring. I really don't have anything to say about him.
I actually enjoyed his last performance with "Don't Speak." If only he could sing in tune....
AWiBH's forecast: He's a goner this week or next. --JOYCE
I actually enjoyed his last performance with "Don't Speak." If only he could sing in tune....
AWiBH's forecast: He's a goner this week or next. --JOYCE
Contestant #4: Blake Lewis
The judges love him. They think he’s interesting. They think he’s hip and cool.
During his audition, he said he hadn’t been discovered yet because he lives in
To be honest, I’m sick of his beatboxing... song arranging…
As Randy said it before, please “don’t blakize” the songs anymore.
AWiBH's forecast: He'll be in the top five, but I wish it won't be true. -- JOYCE
Contestant #3: Phil Stacey
If it were up to AWiBH, the hapless Phil Stacey would get a free pass solely on the basis of his official AI profile.
You've got to feel merciful toward a guy with such a loose grasp of geography (hello, Mexico?). But he sings with all the feeling of post-lobotomy Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
During her "coaching session" with him, Diana Ross offered Phil this nugget o' wisdom regarding his audience: "They're really real people, with same feelings like you have and everything." But are we?
I'm not so sure.
AWiBH prognosis: Help us help you, Phil. (Representative YouTube comment: "Phil Stacey is my youth pastor's cousin!") --AMBER
Q: How has this changed your life?
A: I'm probably more famous.
Q: Who are your heroes in life?
A: My parents and my in-laws. (Ed.: his in-laws!!)
Q: What is your definition of AMERICAN IDOL?
A: Someone from the U.S. whom people idolize. I guess technically they could be from South America or Canada, too.
You've got to feel merciful toward a guy with such a loose grasp of geography (hello, Mexico?). But he sings with all the feeling of post-lobotomy Jack Nicholson in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.
During her "coaching session" with him, Diana Ross offered Phil this nugget o' wisdom regarding his audience: "They're really real people, with same feelings like you have and everything." But are we?
I'm not so sure.
AWiBH prognosis: Help us help you, Phil. (Representative YouTube comment: "Phil Stacey is my youth pastor's cousin!") --AMBER
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